Waiting can be agonizing. Waiting and wondering can be torture. But God is absolutely amazing!
Yesterday God blew me away with His kindness and His ways in the midst of agonized waiting and wondering.
He doesn’t always answer me in miraculous ways. Sometimes He doesn’t seem to answer me at all. When He doesn’t, He’s no less amazing, loving, kind or powerful.
But when He does, I have to shout it out. So here it is:
I woke up yesterday with a heavy heart I couldn’t shake.
I reminded myself of the wonderful truths of God’s sovereignty, kindness, and power.
How can a heavy heart stand in the face of that?
I’ll tell you:
When you love something or someone with your whole being, at times God’s sovereignty, kindness and power can seem to pale in the face of them or it.
Worrying about IT.
Waiting for the results.
Wondering how to face the results.
Waiting and wondering. Bleh!
Yes, I realize how vague that all sounded, but I hope you understand what I mean. If you’ve experienced this, you do. If you haven’t, you will.
Waiting can be agonizing.
I’ll see my child again in seven months.
Waiting and wondering is torture.
Will I always have to settle for seeing her once a year?
It’s easy for our minds to run away with us and act stupid. It condemns us for what we didn’t do. Or did do and shouldn’t have done. Or should we have? Yes. No. I don’t know.
With my heavy heart, I got ready to teach Bible at the Dayschool. I didn’t want to go. I LOVE the kids and teaching them, but Ugh, I didn’t want to teach with this heavy heart.
As I drove to the school, I told God, I need a hug. I decided I’d walk straight to my friend Bev’s desk and get that hug.
The copier man foiled my plan.
Seriously? You have to fix the copier by her desk right now?
How can I stand next to some strange man and ask my friend for a hug? Nope. I’d look like a weirdo. Not doing it.
I told God, Fine, I’ll do without a hug. I’ll stand on Your great promises instead that You’ve got everything right where You want it. I’ll find my comfort in You alone.
I wish I could tell you that joy instantly returned.
But, then the kids walked into the class, and OH MY! I’m sure you all think your kids are amazing — and they are — but have you seen these?
The two-year old class alone is like a shot of pure love straight into the veins. There’s nothing like walking into a room of little munchkins as they run up shouting your name with delight. To say they’re adorable is almost an insult.
After I taught my three classes, I felt better. But once I left the kids, IT still hung over my heart.
Normally after I teach, I leave. Yesterday I had to stay to begin setting up for a Ladies’ Brunch we’re hosting this weekend.
My friend Karen and I worked together until she had to leave. I laughed and had a good time. But IT still hung over my heart.
As I continued working alone, a banging sound by the side doors startled me.
My friend Toni stumbled in with two cumbersome guitar cases strapped to her shoulders. The self-closing door tried to pancake her.
Toni said, “Jean, I wanted to come tell you thank you. You’re making a difference, and I wanted to give you a hug.”
I could barely respond as I soaked in her warm hug. I must have looked like an idiot.
Normally I’d have been home by then, not still in the church.
How did she even know I was in the sanctuary?
She couldn’t know I’d told God I needed a hug.
I barely responded from the shock. Think Stupid Stare.
And then, OH MY!
Toni walked out the doors, but turned and walked back in. “Also, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been praying . . .” And then she began to say everything my heart had been heavy about.
Stupid Stare turned into Blubbering Idiot.
I hadn’t talked with anyone but God this morning about my heavy heart. No one even knew I had a heavy heart.
It vanished in that instant. The hug had lifted it. But now it was GONE.
It felt like God had walked into the room Himself and said, “I know, Jean. And you need to know I care. I’ve got this. And I’ve got you.”
He moved Toni to walk in to hug me and tell me about her prayers.
Even before I awoke, He’d moved in Toni to pray for me. She prayed in the middle of the night.
Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.
~ Isaiah 65:24
As if that wasn’t enough . . .
As I was leaving, my dear friend Traci walked up. All week I’d wanted to be able to give her a hug on the 14th (yesterday) because it’s the anniversary of her sweet daughter Anna’s Homegoing.
(If you haven’t read Traci’s posts about Anna, you want to! Click this link and scroll to the bottom to read the first in the series: Traci Burns)
We hugged. She then told me how God had been encouraging her.
Yes, He’d been telling her the same thing I’d been asking God to do in me as I prayed to be freed from my heavy heart.
Of course I immediately regaled her with the morning’s events.
I drove off with the most joy-filled heart.
Then . . . yes, then . . .
Part of my heavy heart was missing my daughter Brittany terribly and feeling hopelessly far from her.
While juggling potted plants at the Midlands Flower Festival (a little bit of heaven, I must say), I accidentally FaceTimed her. I have no idea how! My phone was “locked.”
I quickly hung up. Then she FaceTimed me back, but I thought I’d done it again, so I hung up again.
Then I realized she’d FaceTimed me, so I FaceTimed her again and then hung up when I got her text. Bahaha!
She texted me to say she couldn’t talk but would call me at 9:00 pm.
Yay, except I’d be at a loud — very loud — lacrosse game.
Just so happens, she got delayed and called me right after I’d walked into my quiet house after the game.
Stupid Stare again. All day God amazed me.
I’d woken up heavy-laden and went to bed lighter than air.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”
~ Matthew 11:28
That verse was an understatement! He gave me so much more than just rest.
Why He chose to do all that for me, I have no idea. He didn’t have to. He’s that good.
Even if God hadn’t done any of it, the truth would’ve remained unchanged, though.
His love is enough, and He’s always in complete control. And He’s absolutely amazing.
If your heart is heavy today, tell Him.
He might show you His great love through someone with skin on.
Or He may encourage you to be that someone with skin on to show His love to others. You never know what He’ll do with it.
Whatever God shows you to do. Please do it. Don’t wait.
What if Toni had ignored His prompting to go hug me?
What if she decided not to come back into the room and tell me she’d been praying for me?
I’m still flying high from the wonder of His great love for me, and that He’d move in others so I could see it.
If He’d do it for me, He’ll do it for you. I promise! I could never have orchestrated all that. I’m just not that good.
And Traci and I will be telling you more about that soon. Stay tuned!
When waiting and wondering are agonizing, God is still amazing!